So I met this guy on the internet. It was about a year ago, which turns out is the exact amount of time that I needed to pass in order to be able to tell this story. Not too long that it’s no longer fresh and I’m forgetting things, but at the same time not too soon that it’s still embarrassing. I’ve alluded to this post a couple/few times in the past and low and behold, here’s the post in all it’s glory.

So…. I met this guy on the internet. He will forever be known as NutJob. Why? Because he was a complete and utter NutJob.

We met online and quickly (maybe too quickly) decided the phone was the best medium to converse. My first impression of him was that he was very energetic and had a lot to say. I thought he was eager. Turns out, he was, at the very least, slightly mentally unstable.

Homeboy7

We were supposed to meet up at the local mall because he had some business there and it was close to my work. However, my job can be unpredictable and I can pull 10hr days at the drop off a hat. That day was no exception. I should have taken it as a sign.

I texted him a couple hours before we were supposed to meet to tell him I was going to be working late. I told him not to wait around at the mall and to make his way home and I’d meet him in his neighbourhood, to make up for the inconvenience.

I ended up picking him up at his place. He was a little too familiar.

Homeboy2

I should have taken it as a sign.

He asked if we could swing by his mom’s place before we went for coffee. Don’t worry, it’s like 5 minutes away. I said sure. We start driving and he’s all “Turn left, turn right, go straight”. I asked where his mother lived exactly. He responded with “Oh, she’s up at the mall.” The mall we were supposed to meet at a couple hours ago. The mall that was nearly half an hour away. I thought (and said out loud) “Going to the mall twice today… big day…”

Nope – he decided not to go earlier so that I could drive him. I should have turned around or dropped him off on the side of the road. To this day, I don’t know why I didn’t.

We met up with Mom at the restaurant that she was waiting at to get a table. Yes… we. He would not take “No, I’ll wait in the car” for an answer. So we meet up with her and they take care of their business.

What business? Well, picking up his rent money, of course. Turns out that he’s 35 years old and can’t manage his money very well, so his mommy takes his rent money from his welfare check and holds onto it until it’s due so he doesn’t spend it. And so she doesn’t have to pay his rent for him.

To top it off, since we’re in a restaurant and all, he thought it would be a good idea if we had dinner there. I didn’t think it was a good idea, mostly because I didn’t want to have dinner with him… or his mom, but also because…

Homeboy3

Are you fucking kidding me? He tried to convince his mother to buy the dinner for us. When she refused, he asked for “at least an appetizer”. I jumped in and said thanks, but no thanks, nice to meet you, see you later. I was mortified.

I started driving him home and he asked me asked if I could do something for him before I took off. Okay… what is it?

Homeboy1

Are you fucking kidding me?

I told him that I forgot my purse at home, he asked how I was planning on paying for our coffees if I didn’t bring money; he scoffed and asked if I actually expected him to pay. Um, yeah, its coffee. He wanted me to go back to my house to pick up my purse so we could go. I said that wasn’t necessary.

He got upset because we were supposed to go on a date and it’s not a date unless we go to some sort of dining establishment. I said we met, we talked, we met Mom, we drove around for an hour, we’re done. He said that he’s pretty clairvoyant and he can tell I’m not having a good time. That’s not being clairvoyant, that’s being moderately aware of other people’s feelings/body language/annoyance spewing out of them.

He got upset that I was just taking him home. He didn’t understand what went wrong. He thought we agreed. On what, I asked. On having a relationship – it’s what we both want. I said that I want a relationship and he wants a relationship, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to have a relationship with each other. He wanted to know why.

Homeboy4

Namely, he wants a sugar-mama and I want someone with a job. I didn’t realize I had such high standards. He moped for the remainder of the car ride. I pulled up to his house and wished him a good night.

Homeboy5

Are you fucking kidding me?

The worst part is, this post isn’t even the tip of the iceberg with this guy… he also told me he loved me. He also was a complete spazz that nearly punched out my window when he tried to throw a CD out of the car, when the window was closed. He told me that he’s on disability because he can’t hold down a job. He told me that when he goes out, he often gets in situations where the cops are called. For no reason; he wasn’t even doing anything.

He told me that his mother is a lesbian and he was always lacking a male influence in his life and he’s very sensitive for a guy. And clairvoyant. He told me that he was a result of a one-night stand when his mom decided to try out for the other team to see what it was like. She looked at him with such distain that I could see that she wished she’d stuck with the ladies.

I still don’t think I’ve hit all the highlights. There are probably tonnes more things that I have simply blocked out. What I do know is, it was the longest hour of my life.

 

 

Big thanks to EliseArt for providing illustrations!

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